A Strong Girl

Written in October, 2016...

It is humbling to reflect on a heartbreaking story. However, the power I feel when I realize the strength required to endure the last year, drops me to my knees.

I have made it through the most difficult and trying year of my life.

[3  1/2 years] ago, I watched my world unravel. Every plan, every dream, and every hope dissolved as I watched my husband walk away from me. I was seven months pregnant with my son. I was confused and hurt and betrayed at the deepest levels.

I was consumed by fear and anger. I am aware that these emotions do serve a purpose; but they became very destructive, very quickly. I remember trying to live my life and function while my mind would wander back to this darkness about every 5 minutes...

My heart was aching for the husband I once knew... and to feel loved. I wanted so badly to be a happy family; to feel confident, safe, and validated. It seemed everything in my life was out of control, and my agency taken away.

For weeks, chaos consumed my thoughts.  I questioned my ability to be a Mother. I questioned my desire for my sweet baby. I wanted to be excited for the birth of my son. Instead, I was in panic mode.

I resisted induction, and labored in denial while grieving the loss of my fairy tale birth story.

Nevertheless, amidst all of the unfavorable and complicated circumstances in my life,  
on October 7, 2015... I was given the greatest gift of my entire life. 


I remember this moment so clearly. When Bradley was placed on my chest, I felt peace for the first time in months. I felt as if he came straight from my Savior's arms for me to embrace and feel of his pure and undeniable love. That beautiful baby boy started me on a path of healing.

In the coming months, my battle was fought uphill. The moments of darkness would still creep back into my head several times an hour. When I was not feeling anger and fear, I was numb. I would function off of pure duty to Bradley. I knew I needed to meet his needs. I didn't want to face the flood of emotion that came over me, every time I was asked "How I was doing"... therefore, my feelings buried even deeper.

I was a new Mom. I was exhausted. I was up with Bradley all night for months. I was with him every minute of his life. I developed a strong sense of self worth through my "Motherhood" to him. He was the only person on the planet who needed me. 

But, even he didn't need me, as much as I needed him. 

The eyes of that girl, are so different than the eyes I see when I look in the mirror today.  That girl rarely felt beautiful. That girl didn't feel worthy. The only happiness I felt was through Bradley.



...Written October 3, 2018:

Today, I feel powerful. I am more nurturing, more outspoken, more brave, more vulnerable, more gentle, and stronger than I have ever known myself to be. My sweet Bradley Joel was the beginning of my strength. He gave me a reason to fight through the darkness. But today, I know that I am strong with or without him. I know I have worth with or without him. I believe in myself. My woulds have started to heal.

It has truly taken almost 4 years of thick and heavy emotional growth to not let fear, anger, and bitterness steer my thoughts. When I look in the mirror today... I see a little bit of light and faith again. I no longer feel trapped or stuck. Bradley made me step up and become a "Strong Girl".

Thus, this blog is just a reflection and collection of my thoughts and experiences since I have become "Kortnie Strong".