A Strong Girl

Written in October, 2016...

It is humbling to reflect on a heartbreaking story. However, the power I feel when I realize the strength required to endure the last year, drops me to my knees.

I have made it through the most difficult and trying year of my life.

[3  1/2 years] ago, I watched my world unravel. Every plan, every dream, and every hope dissolved as I watched my husband walk away from me. I was seven months pregnant with my son. I was confused and hurt and betrayed at the deepest levels.

I was consumed by fear and anger. I am aware that these emotions do serve a purpose; but they became very destructive, very quickly. I remember trying to live my life and function while my mind would wander back to this darkness about every 5 minutes...

My heart was aching for the husband I once knew... and to feel loved. I wanted so badly to be a happy family; to feel confident, safe, and validated. It seemed everything in my life was out of control, and my agency taken away.

For weeks, chaos consumed my thoughts.  I questioned my ability to be a Mother. I questioned my desire for my sweet baby. I wanted to be excited for the birth of my son. Instead, I was in panic mode.

I resisted induction, and labored in denial while grieving the loss of my fairy tale birth story.

Nevertheless, amidst all of the unfavorable and complicated circumstances in my life,  
on October 7, 2015... I was given the greatest gift of my entire life. 


I remember this moment so clearly. When Bradley was placed on my chest, I felt peace for the first time in months. I felt as if he came straight from my Savior's arms for me to embrace and feel of his pure and undeniable love. That beautiful baby boy started me on a path of healing.

In the coming months, my battle was fought uphill. The moments of darkness would still creep back into my head several times an hour. When I was not feeling anger and fear, I was numb. I would function off of pure duty to Bradley. I knew I needed to meet his needs. I didn't want to face the flood of emotion that came over me, every time I was asked "How I was doing"... therefore, my feelings buried even deeper.

I was a new Mom. I was exhausted. I was up with Bradley all night for months. I was with him every minute of his life. I developed a strong sense of self worth through my "Motherhood" to him. He was the only person on the planet who needed me. 

But, even he didn't need me, as much as I needed him. 

The eyes of that girl, are so different than the eyes I see when I look in the mirror today.  That girl rarely felt beautiful. That girl didn't feel worthy. The only happiness I felt was through Bradley.



...Written October 3, 2018:

Today, I feel powerful. I am more nurturing, more outspoken, more brave, more vulnerable, more gentle, and stronger than I have ever known myself to be. My sweet Bradley Joel was the beginning of my strength. He gave me a reason to fight through the darkness. But today, I know that I am strong with or without him. I know I have worth with or without him. I believe in myself. My woulds have started to heal.

It has truly taken almost 4 years of thick and heavy emotional growth to not let fear, anger, and bitterness steer my thoughts. When I look in the mirror today... I see a little bit of light and faith again. I no longer feel trapped or stuck. Bradley made me step up and become a "Strong Girl".

Thus, this blog is just a reflection and collection of my thoughts and experiences since I have become "Kortnie Strong".

The First Time I Cried After My Shift Was Over

Sometimes, I sit back and think about how cool my job is. I think of how awesome it is to be done with school, and literally in my career. My big girl job. This is the job I always dreamed of having, and definitely have put in a lot of work to get here. My job makes me proud to be a nurse. But, being a labor and delivery nurse is not an easy job. It is exciting, spiritual, happy, intense, and heartbreaking all in the same breath. This job has the potential to shake your confidence and cause  one to feel things that make it difficult to come back to work the next day.

I remember the first time I cried after my shift was over. I remember so many details about that day, yet it all seems like a chaotic blur. It started at 1:00 am. I was taking care of a very strong willed patient, who had many requests and a detailed birth plan of what she wanted to happen during her labor and delivery. I have taken care of numerous patients just like this... where I have to adjust "my" schedule, and really allow their desires to dictate the plan. 

However, sometimes as a nurse, I receive feelings and thoughts to guide my decisions. I believe these are promptings from above, and am so grateful that I followed them that day.

She came waddling in through the labor entrance with her birth team. She had the slow walk, and focused gaze that made all the nurses believe it was the real deal. She was calm as we all rushed around her--- We worked quickly, just in case she was going to drop a baby. 

She wanted a very low intervention birth....no epidural, no pain medication,  no monitors, no IV, no amniotomy, minimal staff, leave the baby attached to her placenta for extended amount of time, only asking questions to obtain her history and vital signs between contractions...

I talked quickly to ask the most important questions as I strapped the monitors on her, relieved to hear the baby's heart tones galloping along. We grabbed a quick set of vitals... everything normal. Full term, healthy Mom, healthy pregnancy.

She was extremely focused. I only heard maybe 5 words from her mouth, before I gained permission to check her cervix. 

7 cm. Water intact.

I called her doctor to let her know she had a new patient at the hospital, going natural, advanced dilation, and most likely moving quickly.

My tech and other nurses helped to quickly prepare the room for delivery. These natural patients can dilate completely in the matter of minutes...

Dim Lights, delivery table ready, infant warmer heating up...
I got a quick NS lock IV in place between contractions.

Everything was going as planned. She was moving quickly, but both Mom and baby appeared stable. I was not worried.

She began breathing in low tones, moaning a bit when contractions hit. She told me and her birth team that 'she felt the urge to push.'

This was my cue; the golden words... I called the doctor to come for delivery

(Natural & unmedicated births, are difficult to time the arrival of the OB. Sometimes the babies come flying out, and the nurses deliver. Other times, the patient moves at a steady and predictable pace.)  

The environment was quiet and calm. I was speaking softly only when necessary... Within a few minutes I was joined by the doctor. I gave a quick report that she had been 7 cm about 20 minutes earlier, and now desiring to push. I called the nursery to come for delivery.

I thought I was ready...


She then checked her again. 9 cm.

My patient was so strong. Hardly any signs of distress or discomfort. She began "passive pushing" and "breathing the baby down". 

So, then we waited. 30 minutes passed and she was still "breathing the baby down". Water still intact, there was not much movement of the baby. I told the nursery, they could step out for a while until we were closer.

She checked her again. Still 9 cm.

15 more minutes passed and the Doctor was still in the room with me, all gowned and ready. We were watching the monitors together. I felt slightly guilty that she had to wait. I thought we would have delivered by now.

My patient began to loose her focus. She was uncomfortable, and wanted to be done. After a quick discussion, she agreed to let the doctor break her water.

Very gently...artificial rupture of membranes. Clear Fluid. Heart tones stable.

My patient regained her focus. Then, within seconds, the baby was crowning. She held that baby at a crown for 2 long minutes. She wanted to avoid tearing. I was amazed, yet remember cringing at the same time. 

The nursery nurse re-joined us.

And then it happened...

The baby's head delivered and 10 seconds later, she delivered the body. And I knew something was not right.

The baby was as white as a sheet. 

I watched as the Doctor was grasping the cord, searching for a pulse.

No pulse.

She aggressively began to stim the baby. No breathing. No pulse. 

She cut the cord and rushed the baby to the warmer where nursery was waiting. The nurse searched for a pulse, while stimming the baby to breath... she was fumbling for a stethoscope...she listened carefully... NOTHING. No heart beat. No breathing.

Then everything picked up speed... and I began to panic. We were under prepared. The nursery nurse made an emergency call for more help, and before I knew it we were doing full blown neonatal resuscitation.

The OB stayed at the warmer... and began chest compressions on the baby. I took over to manage the patient; her legs still in the stirrups and placenta still inside.

The crash cart arrived, 3 more NICU nurses, and Respiratory. 

What went wrong? With each new staff member arriving to the scene... I was wracking my brain...I had no answers. We were completely blind sided. There was no warning for this...

I felt torn between helping with NRP, making phone calls, and managing my patient still in the third stage of labor.

We needed more help. We needed a pediatrician... an umbilical line... medications... 

The baby laid there, lifeless. No improvements.

The room was spinning, the family looked uneasy, but did not understand the magnitude of what was happening. I could hear my patient praying out loud.. "what is happening?...Come on sweetheart...Mama needs you...come on baby...just breath...just take a breath".

I remember that room feeling so full.

20 minutes in, the team continued to work on that sweet baby. I remember hearing these piercing phrases:

"One and- two and- three and- breath and, one and- two and- three and- breath and...Push another dose of epi. No heart rate. Where is the doctor? Someone call X-Ray... We are going to need life-flight. How long since the last dose of epi? Push another epi. One and- two and- three and- breath and... one and- two and- three and- breath and... still not heart rate... push another epi..."


I will never forget how I felt when I finally was able to leave the room...... Completely empty inside. Normally I walk away from a delivery with sighs of relief, a smile on my face, and feeling accomplished. Not this time. I was questioning every move we made once the patient had walked onto our unit. I questioned the accuracy of the vital sign machines. I questioned the fetal heart tone monitor. Where did something go wrong? We had no answers.

I stepped into the bathroom, and I could not stop the tears. Just the thought of feeling so helpless, blindsided, and under prepared was traumatizing. I felt like I would never know and understand the end of this story. My mind was racing, yet I felt so slow to respond to my own thoughts.

That tiny baby boy was resuscitated for 34 minutes before his heart beat for the first time. I didn't know if he would live or die. Babies who go without oxygen for that long... Do not bounce back from this.

My shift ended and I barely made it to my car when I hit my knees in prayer. I prayed for comfort. I prayed for that family. I prayed so hard for that baby boy. Thank you Heavenly Father for helping me. Thank you for helping every single person in that room. I'm so grateful I put the monitors on against her wishes...so we at least had a clear picture of the baby's status before birth. Thank you for sending a talented and patient Doctor who stayed in the room with me for an hour before delivery. I'm so grateful for her validation. I expressed my gratitude for my own healthy baby at home waiting for me. The tears kept flowing... 

The reality is, in my line of work I am bound to encounter more hard shifts, and assist in more situations like this. It made me realize again how novice we are, and how small our understanding is about God's grand plan. I still do not have the answers about that day, although I was reassured that I had done everything right. Nonetheless, I have worked very hard to regain my confidence. I am more clear  in the Lord and in his timing. Every day I have people's lives in my care. What a privilege it is to witness such tragedies and miracles...that make you FEEL and undeniably require an anchored trust in God.

I am proud to be a nurse.

-Kortnie